- Money Matters
Finance remains a major stressor in marriages. Discussing financial goals, money reality, spending habits and emergency funds as a couple is important. It’s easier to work together and agree on your spending, savings and financial projects. When in debt, speak up. What you can’t afford, look away. Do not compare your financial status with any other person whether family or close friends. If you do not live with them, and sleep on the same bed with them, trust me – you do not have the full picture.
- Choose Your Battles
Married life is like a never-ending tug-of-war game, not every disagreement necessitates a winner. Many battles can be won by letting your spouse have their way! Understanding when to back down is half the art of marriage.
It is impossible to get into a fight with someone who is not willing to fight with you. Understand your partner and know when to go mute. No one can force a word out of your mouth, unless you want to.
- Hugs have healing powers
You’ll have storms in your marriage—whether petty squabbles or deeper issues. Remember the aim is to win together, even when communication is not doing the magic. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes, and fight on the same side. Your partner is not the adversary, the situation is. Quit acting like a warrior when there is no battle to fight. Spread your arms for a hug always. Hugs have healing powers. Together, you’ll weather any storm! Go out for drinks, have a laugh and resolve things.
- Learn to laugh Together
Life is so much better when you have a laugh. Find humour in your mundane things… Whether it is cracking jokes at a mysterious act, silliness, an adventure that went wrong, or a leg-puller. Laughter creates strong bonds. It is however important you know when to stop, especially when you notice that your partner doesn’t find it hilarious. End it! Can’t you take a joke is not an appropriate joke!
- Embrace Each Other’s Dreams
Cheer your partner on… be the leading supporter and the biggest fan they can ever have. Their dreams may seem wild to you, but if your partner believes in it, then you should be on the side line cheering on. Celebrate their small successes, sing their praises and let the world know how proud you are of each other. The words from your mouth are powerful. Speak life into your partner’s dream, tender it with love and support, and watch it grow.
Where you have unrelenting reservations, communicate your feelings or fears resplendently. Do not belittle their dream, appreciate it. Support each other’s personal and professional growth. Your unwavering support is the fuel needed to keep each other’s fire burning brighter.
- Undivided Attention is the new currency
Avoid multi-tasking. Your focused attention shows affection and concerns that allows deeper conversation. Listen attentively before speaking, and without a ready-made answer in your mind as your spouse is still talking… Communication means talking, listening, reflecting and understanding. Put down the phone and engage with your partner squarely when a conversation is held.
Have you ever started a simple lively conversation that ended up in a misunderstanding, and you wondered ‘how did that happened’? Me too! I came to realise that it only happens when either party was not paying attention or was expecting a particular response. Do not be presumptuous about responses.
- Navigate the In-Laws
Ah, the in-laws!! The delightful puzzle pieces in a marriage jigsaw! ‘The boy is mine” by Brandy and Monica or It’s not Right but it is ok by Whitney Houston does not work in marriages. Acknowledge that the in-laws and relatives were actively in the lives of your spouse/partner before you stole their heart away, therefore it is not worth the effort trying to keep them to yourself or act like they belong to you. Embrace your in-laws as your family. Family dynamics can be complicated so you must handle with kitten gloves… A blanket of love, delicacy and faith with the in-laws always wins…
- Build Traditions
Having personalised traditions adds sprinkles of magic to your marriage. Having simple customs and traditions like personalised handshake, morning prayers, date nights or coffee mornings, evening walks, scheduled holiday adventures or playful non-verbal comms both of you understand. It kindles!! Start it, build it and enjoy it.
Our scheduled getaway holiday tradition and routine date nights as a couple significantly increased the love and bond my husband and I shared as a couple. There is never one size fits all in marriages. What worked in a home may fail woefully in another. Avoid serving solutions from the playbook of family and friends, if you must, then tweak it. The dynamics, personalities and marriage foundations of every marriage is different. A copy and paste approach from any playbook is a recipe for disaster. You hardly know the secret ingredient that keeps two people together in a marriage. Discover yours!
- Celebrate every Milestones
Celebrate every significant life event, achievement and milestone – no matter how big or small! Buying or moving into a new home, buying a car, birthdays, promotions, are always worth celebrating…Celebrations are a few of my favourite things. I am as grateful in small milestones as huge accomplishments. Expressing gratitude as a couple highlights the blessings and successes you have both achieved. Always remember – celebration releases those dopamine ‘happy hormones’ that promotes well-being and reduces stress. Give your partner a dopamine boost whenever you find something to celebrate.
- Deeply respect each other
It is important to respect your partner totally – as your significant other, and the person you invited share the rest of your life. Respect the differing views, standpoints and opinions. You do not have to always agree on everything – you just need be respectful and empathic.
My husband and I share a lot of similarities, ideologies and philosophy, AND we disagree. After 25 years, we still disagree over simple things and big things after 25 years and that’s fine. It is ok to change your mind if your perspective changes and new knowledge is gained. Many times I have told my husband – I am free to change my mind, because it is mine!!
Appreciate your partner’s standpoint and pitch your viewpoint in love. When emotions are high and tempers are flying, you are likely going to say the wrong things. It is never worth it. Choose Calm over Conflict
Your partner’s friends, relatives, family members, and colleagues also deserve to be respected. After many years in love and marriage, it dawned on me that I did not have to be friends with his best friends, colleagues and relatives, (if I didn’t want to) but I must be respectful to them, what a relief!
Boundaries are very important.
Your partner’s choice of friends is not your decision. Respect their decisions of the choice of people they want in their lives. If or when needed, sound a note of caution in love and seek clarification if you feel uncomfortable with their relationship with the person or persons. Have healthy conversations and respect boundaries.
- Keep the Magic. Foster Romance & Intimacy
As the years stack up, my relationship with my husband remained great – waxing stronger in acts, deeds, achievements and friendship. We share a strong bond, by actively decided to keep the romance alive so it doesn’t fade like the embers of a fire. We consciously make plans to be romantic to each other. PDAs are a great sign of tenderness.
Schedule “date nights”—it doesn’t have to be fancy, even if it is an outing to share a bottle of sparkling water. Spend time together, travel together, talk and laugh about anything and everything, the present and the future, including reminiscing about the past. Shared moments and intimacy strengths are non-negotiable!
Prioritise intimacy and create safe spaces for growth and love as you navigate the challenges of life together
- Be Attentive & Forgiving
Don’t store anything up for future arguments. Mistakes will happen. Some things will be more difficult to forgive and forget. In the end, you will have to let it go… My grandmother once told me that holding onto grudges is like refusing to flush your toilet… ewwww!!! It will stink and will make you sick until you flush…let it go, flush it down.
Stay attentive of the patterns or behaviours that need to be addressed and discuss them together to enjoy a happier marriage and relationship. You are only allowed to store up loving and beautiful memories. Not grudges
- Vehemently reject any form of abuse or violence
Disallowing any abuse for your well-being. Recognise that you deserve a healthy relationship built on respect and safety. Establish clear boundaries by communicating to your partner what behaviours are unacceptable and stand firm against any form of abuse.
I remember telling my husband during our high school days that any form of abuse, whether verbal or physical will lead to the immediate end of our relationship. 25 years down, no matter how serious or intense the disagreement is, we have honoured and respected our tradition of no abuse, whether verbal or physical.
- Be Vulnerable
It’s okay to strip away your toughness sometimes. Afterall it is a relationship. Perhaps the most important relationship in your life. Feel comfortable to share your fears, worries, insecurities, and dreams with your partner. I realised that sharing my fears with my husband made everything easier and made the burden lighter even when no answer is not in sight. Vulnerability doesn’t make you weak. Only strong people with high sense of self-awareness are comfortable and confident enough to be vulnerable and share. Sharing is a part of healing..
- Avoid Competition like a Plague. Collaborative Growth is Exponential.
Your partner isn’t a project to fix…It’s important to acknowledge that you cannot change who they are. Don’t try to fix them. It is your responsibility to be supportive and helpful. No one is perfect! Accept all flaws, knowing you have yours too.
You fell in love just the way they were. celebrate their individuality, whether they obsessively talking about history and art, soaking biscuit in tea, or singing loudly in the shower. Indulge them! And support better habits. New habits may also come with age and increased levels of comfort with each other. Allow space for the happy oddities add flavour to your life together. Avoid sounding judgemental. Show love and kindness towards your partner always. Reframe your criticisms.
My husband and I enjoy judgement-free zones and openly share our thoughts, feelings, and emotions without fear or limiting self-beliefs. Develop bonding moments that truly strengthen your love!
In the last 25 years, my husband and I have changed and evolve—based on different exposure to other cultures, people, work experiences and ideologies – from high school sweethearts to adults with real life responsibilities. We decided to be accepting to the growth and change as they come. Remember – for better or worse, it’s all part of it!
- Make Time for ‘Me Time’
My mantra remains – My happiness is my responsibility. My husband facilitates my happiness goals. Never forget that – it is not your responsibility to be happy, not your partner. They can certainly make you a happier person, but you need to know how to make yourself happy.
Personal space matters! After 25 years, I can confidently say that we all need a little room to breathe. A little time alone goes a long way… allowing a weekend with the boys or spa breaks with the girls will often do no harm… Do not snoop!
Don’t worry about the conversations in the closet, if you are meant to know about it, trust me…it will come to you. If it doesn’t, let it go. Do not bother yourself with things your perception or beliefs have generalised about each gender!
My mum continuously reminds me that a strong relationship consists of two individuals who are comfortable in their own dichotomously. Be deliberate and intentional in carving out personal time to indulge in your hobbies, meet with friends, and enjoy a quiet evening – whether with a book in hand and a glass of red or white. It’s essential to be a happy individual. A happy and fulfilled individual contributes to a harmonious partnership!
- Stay Curious. Never lose the Plot
Keep that spark alive by investing in your curiosity about your partner! I don’t mean in their phones. Ask about their day… every day! Show interest. Be lovingly curious. Ask about their relatives, friends, colleagues and siblings fun childhood memories, teenage years with old school classmates. Ask frequently about their future. It can change – it is their thoughts, dreams and aspirations and they are free to change it. Give yourself the permission to accept that you never know everything about your spouse. Your loving curiosity and interest in your spouse can reveal secrets, or things you secretly worry about.
- Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Life’s too short—don’t let trivial annoyances ruin the good life or good vibes. Misplacing the house keys, leaving breadcrumbs on the table, leaving the light bulbs on or the car keys in the car might drive you crazy but never enough to bring down the roof. Think about it – if your partner hasn’t changed all these years, why do you think they can change now. The little abnormalities are the spice in your relationship. Old dogs don’t learn new tricks… Look for things to be thankful about when you have the strongest urge for a battle! I do it often. It changes my frown to a smile.
To have and to hold from this day forward… remember!
- Serenity is Bliss
There are times when communication can be in excess. There are times when silence is golden. Nothing beats the inner peace and comfort of being silent in each other’s space together. Enjoying your individuality, positive thoughts and moments alone is also healthy. Getting lost in a book, enjoying a cup of tea or watching TV alone is just fine. I used to interpret my husband’s periodic silence as an issue – wondering whether everything is ok by consistently asking if everything is ok. Do not misunderstanding serenity as malice. There is serenity in silence, silence is golden when all is well!
- Give Compliments Everyday. Make each other the most important thing
Shower compliments every day; your partner deserves to hear how amazing they are from you! Genuine remarks like “You look so beautiful/handsome today” or “How on earth would I live without you…” This serves as a confidence and love booster. Reassurances will spread love and warmth around your home. Do little favours without being asked. It has an unextendible value, and it cost nothing!
- Play Fair. Share Responsibilities.
Life can feel like a seesaw, trying to balance daily routines. Share responsibilities and chores! It eases the burden and it fortifies a partnership built on support and teamwork. Keep your marital scorecard clear and fair.. Two income streams are better than one. It builds mutual respect and self-preservation.
I fondly tell my husband; I want to have my money in the bank and be a kept woman with yours!! For women, financial independence provides enhanced self-esteem, a higher sense of security and my sense of purpose.
- Stay Playful. Argue Privately
Adulting is already serious business, so don’t lose your silly side! Laugh at each other, get silly and mysterious with each other, deliberately cheat at board games, and pillow fights. These playful behaviours are mandatory to relieve stress and ignites a spark. The little moments of joy, playfulness and laughter of my marriage over the years has remained a pillar of strength and stay. Playfulness has a funny way of rekindling and sustaining that romance!
- There is no ‘I’ in Marriage. Weather the storm together.
You can be a great person by yourself but there is great value in ‘we’. Nevertheless, do not give up your individualism. Stay unique and true to yourself and allow your spouse to do the same.
Marriage is team effort. Switch your language up. Use ‘we’ when making plans or having considerations on big personal decisions. It binds and builds trust, reminding both of you that you’re in this together!
- Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Seize the moment every day
Appreciate your partner by expressing gratitude for the smallest thing. Say thank you often… Call each other during the day to check on them. Your partner brings a unique flavour to your life. Appreciate the ups, downs and the in-between that makes your unique story. Recognize the beauty in your journey, anticipate new discoveries, and keep each other close till the end of time.
