Losing a father at the ripe age of 96 years would seem to be a celebratory or satisfying event because surely he must have lived a long and fulfilling life to get to that age. Surprisingly that was not the case when I lost my dad at 96 years.

I learnt a few lessons during the time of mourning and grieving – which of course I didn’t think I would be grieving or in pain because he had actually lived a healthy and long life but alas…here are a few lessons l learnt

You can never be fully prepared for the death of a loved one. 

Even when you know  that the person will be passing on soon, whether from sickness and old age, meaning that you are given enough time to prepare and deal with the passing of the person, when the event happens, you will realize that you were not fully prepared. In my case, my family was informed a few days in advance that my father had come to the end of his life by his doctors, so I will say I was lucky to have some time to say goodbye, enjoy the last warmth and kisses before he passed on. When I got the news by my brother that our father had passed, it felt as if I was instantly struck by lightning.

I had earlier convinced myself that I will be fully prepared by the time of his passing, and it will be moments that will be filled with appreciation because he lived a long and interesting life. There was never a dull moment with him. I had enjoyed my time with him fully, as a child, as an adult, and with my family – husband and children. But that was not the case. I was torn. I felt the pain of his passing very deeply and sorely, and then I realized that I was not prepared. One can never be prepared.

Time heals. There is no specified timeline for grieving

We all grieve differently. There is no specific expression of emotions or timeline that a person is expected to grief. Whilst some people can express their grief by crying and talking about it, some other internalize it, they become withdrawn and distant from the rest of the world, and others have outburst of anger, irritation or sadness. Because a person is not displaying their emotions, should not be interpreted that they lack emotions, neither should lack of tears be interpreted as cold and stoic. It is ok to cry. It is ok to request that you have family and friends around you all the time and it is ok to decide that you want to be left alone.

There is no right way to grief. The most important thing is become self-aware in the time of grief. Understand your emotion at every particular time, name it and ask yourself why you are feeling that way, so that you are able to deal with it, not run from it or allow it simmer.

As Marcus Aurelius wrote “keep in mind how fast things pass, and are gone” meaning this also shall pass. It may seem as if life has stopped and has no meaning during the time of grief, you might be unable to see how to you can creep up from the bottom of the well of sadness and pain that you could currently be going through, and the possibility to cope with the immediate difficult time may seem insufferable. The golden two words to hold on to is – Time Heals, even when you don’t see it in the horizon. It is ok not to rush out of it. It will come.

Embrace Stillness. Celebrate Daily

After the death of my father, it seemed like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I knew I needed to pick myself up and start living again. I fashioned a new version of myself. I created a daily mantra from Eckhart Tolle’s book – the Power of Now.

My daily mantra became ‘Now is all I have. I am celebrating this minute’. These few words fueled energy and positivity in me. I admitted that there are no guarantees for tomorrow, and I made the decision to live every day to the fullest like my father did. I exchanged my bouts of irritation, anger and lack of joy to embracing every moment I have been blessed with.

I started embracing more joy, reminiscing and celebrating the beautiful moments I shared with my father. It didn’t stop the pain yet acted as a soothing balm. Knowing that some memories will never go away, I choose to celebrate every day with beautiful memories from the past and the joys of a brand-new day filled with opportunities.